Some days I smile. Some days I cry.
I have a picture of him that I keep in my room. Occasionally I will talk to him. Is he listening? I like to think so. I like to think that he is aware of what I am doing, and how my life is going. So many times I have looked at that picture and wondered to myself, "what if....?" What would my life have been like?
It helps me to talk about it some times, but recently my friend that I normally talk to about these things got married and moved, and I feel weird approaching someone else. For those who have not lost someone, they may not know what to say or how to react, and that leads to them feeling awkward. In reality, I don't think we expect anything. Talking about someone is simply a way to remember them, and the most heartbreaking thing in the world is when you forget.
Forget the way their voice sounds....and suddenly you can't imagine them talking to you because you don't have a sound to put with it
Forget the last thing they said to you....and you feel you should remember
Forget their favorite color......likes, dislikes, they melt into the background until it's hard to remember.....you think of their upcoming birthday, but can't remember what kind of cake they liked. Granted not all of these facts go away, but it feels like you are losing them.....someone you knew so well.....now you only know them as well as some of your friends, but they are so much more.
Forget their jokes......they made you laugh so hard....but what was it?
Forget their laugh......this one was hardest for my Mom. Jake laughed so much, always at his own jokes, and always made others laugh as well. He kept me from taking life too seriously....and myself. I miss those moments of laughing so hard that my stomach felt it would cave in. Jake had a great sense of humor from a very young age; my favorite example is as follows:
One day my Mom was teaching Jake how to tie his shoes. He was about three years old and was getting very frustrated; about to give up.
She said, "Ok, now you try"
He just stared at her for a moment and finally said with a sneaky grin, "You buy 'em, you tie 'em!"
Those words coming out of a three year old mouth made my Mom practically die with laughter. She wrote it down in her Funny Quotes book that we still have to this day. He lifted so many people and did so much good; maybe that's why he passed the test so quickly. All I know is that on the day of his funeral we had more people than we even knew present. I will never forget the gratitude they had for him - for deeds we were never even aware he had done. So here's to my older brother Jake: Thank you for teaching me to laugh- even at myself. Thank you for teaching me that people are the most important part of life, and thank you for simply being my brother.
Yes, some days I cry, but I know one day I will cry not because we are separated, but because we will meet again. I love you Buzz.
Jake Stewart 1989-2003
