Flashbacks

Some days I live in flash-backs.  Some days they come without me noticing.  I start to think of something in the past, which usually involves my family, which usually leads me to more memories, and I ultimately end up thinking of my happiest memories - which usually include my six foot tall buzz-headed brother.

Some days I smile.  Some days I cry.

I have a picture of him that I keep in my room.  Occasionally I will talk to him.  Is he listening?  I like to think so.  I like to think that he is aware of what I am doing, and how my life is going.  So many times I have looked at that picture and wondered to myself, "what if....?"    What would my life have been like?

It helps me to talk about it some times, but recently my friend that I normally talk to about these things got married and moved, and I feel weird approaching someone else.    For those who have not lost someone, they may not know what to say or how to react, and that leads to them feeling awkward.  In reality, I don't think we expect anything.  Talking about someone is simply a way to remember them, and the most heartbreaking thing in the world is when you forget.

Forget the way their voice sounds....and suddenly you can't imagine them talking to you because you don't have a sound to put with it

Forget the last thing they said to you....and you feel you should remember

Forget their favorite color......likes, dislikes, they melt into the background until it's hard to remember.....you think of their upcoming birthday, but can't remember what kind of cake they liked.  Granted not all of these facts go away, but it feels like you are losing them.....someone you knew so well.....now you only know them as well as some of your friends, but they are so much more.

Forget their jokes......they made you laugh so hard....but what was it?

Forget their laugh......this one was hardest for my Mom.  Jake laughed so much, always at his own jokes, and always made others laugh as well. He kept me from taking life too seriously....and myself.  I miss those moments of laughing so hard that my stomach felt it would cave in.   Jake had a great sense of humor from a very young age; my favorite example is as follows:

One day my Mom was teaching Jake how to tie his shoes.   He was about three years old and was getting very frustrated; about to give up.


She said, "Ok, now you try"


He just stared at her for a moment and finally said with a sneaky grin, "You buy 'em, you tie 'em!"

Those words coming out of a three year old mouth made my Mom practically die with laughter.  She wrote it down in her Funny Quotes book that we still have to this day.  He lifted so many people and did so much good; maybe that's why he passed the test so quickly.  All I know is that on the day of his funeral we had more people than  we even knew present.  I will never forget the gratitude they had for him  - for deeds we were never even aware he had done.  So here's to my older brother Jake:  Thank you for teaching me to laugh- even at myself.  Thank you for teaching me that people are the most important part of life, and thank you for simply being my brother.

Yes, some days I cry, but I know one day I will cry not because we are separated, but because we will meet again.  I love you Buzz.

Jake Stewart 1989-2003

Big Al

Life has been crazy with school, life, and everything in between.  This semester I have been focusing on gerontology in my nursing classes.   Within Gerontology, we have learned a lot about Alzheimer's Disease.

I had never fully understood much about Alzheimer's - I just thought it was a form of memory loss; but it is so much more.  It attacks memory, personality, communication, speech, and on, until a person has nothing left.  It is a FATAL disease.

For our class, we read the book, "Big Al" which talks about the true life story of a man in his 50's diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his wife's struggle in caring for him.  If you really want a good picture of what Alzheimer's is like, I would highly recommend it.  the main reason all this has been on my mind was because today I had the opportunity to spend time in an Alzheimer's Unit at my care facility.  I interacted one-on-one with patients in different stages of the disease.  From altered realities, personality changes, and communication barriers I learned that this growing disease takes on so many different forms and affects so many different aspects of a person's life.  It was an eye-opening experience to the reality of a disease that is too often pushed into the background, misunderstood or overlooked.

The person who discovers a cure to this disease will be discovering a miracle for over 5.4 million people, and their families who are forced to slowly watch them deteriorate.

The Story of Tina and Troy

I would like to tell a story.  I call this one: 

The Story of Tina and Troy 

Once upon a time in August of 2010, Tina was sitting in D&C waiting for class to begin.  It was the first week of school, and she wasn’t completely thrilled to be back.  In through the door walked this tall blonde haired kid who came up to Tina and told her she had "stolen his seat".  She calmly responded with the simple fact, “that would be impossible, because you can’t steal something that doesn’t belong to someone.”  After some witty back and forth comments he sat down next to her. 

The next class period, Tina arrived to find the same boy already in the seat that she had occupied the class period before.  From then on, he always arrived earlier and took that seat.  She always sat next to him.   She came to find that the boy’s name was Troy.

About a week later Troy fell asleep in class.  Not wanting to let this perfect opportunity slip away Tina silently jabbed him in the side with what would later be called a “vicious side-poke”.  Troy yelled out in surprise and nearly fell off his chair.  The whole class turned to look as Tina turned bright red and Troy looked around not knowing what to do.  Both tried to hold back from laughing.

This was the beginning of Tina and Troy.

It only took a week or so before Tina discovered that she really liked Troy.  Her roommates can attest to this as she came home and told them all about '"the guy she met in her D&C class".  Troy however, was not really interested in the girl that he thought was, a little too shy.  This shyness actually came from the fact that she liked him and didn’t want to do/say anything stupid.  Eventually, she decided to give up and be content with being good friends.  As soon as she stopped worrying, she was no longer shy around him, and their friendship grew. 

The semester soon ended, and Tina and Troy no longer had class together.  They occasionally were lunch buddies, or saw each other at bonfires or barbecues.  Troy vented to Tina about how stupid dating was, and Tina vented to Troy.  She started dating another guy for a while and ran into some tough spots with him.  She’d come to Troy to ask for advice; He’d always give her advice that she would then try, and it always made things better.  Eventually, Tina decided that dating wasn’t worth it, and she swore off dating, vowing to “never date again!!!”  (I think we’ve all been there)

……but Troy had other plans…..

Turns out that once Tina had given up on dating Troy, and just started being herself instead of the shy girl….well, that’s when Troy started to like her.  So, about a week after Tina swore off dating forever, and about a year after they had first met, Troy held Tina’s hand and told her she was perfect. (heart melt)

Another week went by, and Tina and Troy could be found sitting on the counter of Tina’s kitchen shoving as many waffles into their faces as they could.  Somewhere amidst all this chaos, they decided to date. 

Five months later on a hill in Salt Lake City, Troy asked Tina to marry him.  And she said yes.  About six times.  

 It’s now been a year and a half since I first met Troy Andersen – the boy I had a MAJOR crush on from the beginning.  I am literally marrying my BEST FRIEND, and I could not ask for more.